Device not recognized

"USB Device not recognized: One of the devices attached to this computer has malfunctioned and Windows does not recognize it."

This happens when I try to connect either of my smartphones (iPhone 4s, Galaxy s3) to my computer. The computer pretends like it's noticed that there's something there, then either chooses to ignore it or informs me that it doesn't recognize it. The phones think they're connected then disconnected then reconnected, ad infinitum. It's not the phones, I can connect them to a different computer with no problems. I can also connect and use a printer with my USB ports, so I don't think it's the ports either. Thus, some computer issue which I am too nooby to fix myself.

I've tried absolutely everything the Internet has to offer with this problem (uninstall USB driver and restart computer with device still attached, for example) but the problem stubbornly persists. Any further ideas about what to do would be fantastic. Thanks :)

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TSG SysInfo
Tech Support Guy System Info Utility version 1.0.0.2
OS Version: Microsoft Windows 8.1 with Bing, 64 bit
Processor: Intel(R) Celeron(R) CPU N2830 @ 2.16GHz, Intel64 Family 6 Model 55 Stepping 8
Processor Count: 2
RAM: 3982 Mb
Graphics Card: Intel(R) HD Graphics, -2040 Mb
Hard Drives: C: Total - 190775 MB, Free - 124527 MB; D: Total - 264544 MB, Free - 264088 MB;
Motherboard: ASUSTeK COMPUTER INC., X551MA
Antivirus: Windows Defender, Disabled
(^ I have no idea why it's saying my antivirus is disabled, it isn't o.o)